


How To Find Your Way Home

by AstridMyrna



Series: How To Find Your Soul Mate [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Fluff, F/M, Horny Teenagers, It Goes About As Well As One Can Expect, Loss of Virginity, Sex Education, Summer Vacation, Teen Angst, Underage Sex, cabin fever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-30 00:06:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13938342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstridMyrna/pseuds/AstridMyrna
Summary: Cassian and Jyn have been dating for a whole five months and have planned everything so their first time is something truly special. When the fateful night comes, not everything goes to plan, and it sends their budding relationship in a tail spin that neither of them know how to set right again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to "How Not To Drown," which covers how Jyn and Cassian first got together. "Stained Glass" is a prequel to all of this, but isn't necessary to understand what happened in HNTD and this fic, but it does help set up one of the themes of this series.

__

_I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times..._

_In life after life, in age after age, forever._

_My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,_

_That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,_

_In life after life, in age after age, forever._

_"Unending Love" by Rabindranath Tagore_

 

* * *

Jyn did not want to open her eyes. She was too comfortable laying next to Cassian on the large beach towel they shared, his smaller, dark purple and black one draped over their faces and shoulders. The hiss of the white water crashing against the sand lulled her nearly to sleep again until Cassian’s snore startled her. Her eyes opened and she squeezed them shut again when the filtered light burned them. She inhaled the dusty smell of the sand and lint off his towel. Her ribs cracked and popped as she held her breath for a moment before letting it slowly leak out between her lips. She opened her eyes again and turned to Cassian.

He laid on his side as he slept, his hand clamped over his face like a mask that did little to muffle his snores. His cheek twitched, sending smaller twitches into his hand and bicep. She rolled on her side and laced her fingers around his before drawing his hand away. He had tanned during the summer, while she just burned. She kissed him where his eyebrows knitted as he stirred. He opened one eye, still gauzy with sleep, then closed it as he curled next to her until his forehead rested against hers.

“Wassasnorin?” he mumbled.

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“Sorry.”

His hand squeezed hers gently as she left feather-light kisses on his nose and cheeks and eyebrows. She thought he’d fallen asleep again until he caught her mouth with his when she started to pull away. She smiled as she kissed him back, clutching his hand against her chest. His fingers slipped under her bikini top and kneaded her breast, which made her gasp.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, immediately releasing her, eyes opening wide to inspect her face.

“No, it felt good, it’s just---damn, this week is going to go by so,  _so_ slow,” she whined.

Most of her classmates and friends who had lost their virginity lost it either in the backseat of a parent’s car or in the closet at an overcrowded party or in a roach-ridden hotel room bed at the prom after-party. Jyn wanted her first time to be special, damn it, and far away from prying eyes. So she and Cassian had waited and waited during their five months of dating, and her patience finally paid off. Her father was going away for the weekend in the following week, and Kay and Bodhi would cover for Cassian by saying that he was sleeping over at Kay’s house.

“It’ll be worth the wait,” he murmured and kissed her forehead. “You’re hot.”

“Thanks.”

He snorted a laugh. “I meant that too, of course.”

“Of course. Want to go in the water?”

“Sure.”

They both groaned when Cassian whipped off the towel, the late afternoon sun’s light burning their eyes. Once their vision cleared, they stumbled hand-in-hand down to the shoreline. The wet sand cooled the soles of their feet and the shock of cold water that ran up to their ankles scrubbed away their afternoon daze. Jyn held his hand a little tighter as she led him deep enough for the white water to crash over their knees. Jyn hadn’t taken Cassian past the white water yet, even though he said he’d like to try it maybe once before the summer ended. He could swim at the deep end of the pool with Jyn now, but if something happened to him, God forbid, at least she could see where he sank. The ocean swallowed people whole. Sometimes it would give back its victims hours, days, or weeks after the victim disappeared. Sometimes they were never seen again.

Jyn never forgot that terrible twist in her gut she felt when she was 14 and caught in the rip. She had realized that there was no use fighting the current dragging her farther out into the widening ocean. Thick panic filled her bones, the extra weight making it hard for the quick, shallow breaths she stored in her lungs to buoy her head over the water. Somehow she had stayed conscious long enough to be rescued. Somehow she had managed to relearned the peace in swimming out again. But if she brought Cassian out now and if she lost him in the murky waters of the Pacific--

“It’s not so cold now,” Cassian interrupted her thoughts. He let go of her hand to wash his in the white foam. “I can pack up while you swim.”

“No, I changed my mind. I’ll help pack up.”

There wasn’t much to pack up, since they only brought their towels to cram in a canvas bag over the shirts, sunscreen, phones, and keys. They took their bag to the dry rim around the shower and shared a shower head. Cassian combed the fresh water into her scalp with his fingers and scrubbed away salt and sand. She leaned her temple against his wrist, soaking up his affection. Every time she thought she couldn’t love him more, he did little things like this. The meticulous care made her heart thrum, but it also made her think about what she could give back to him. They had both told each other “I love you,” but Cassian just showed it so much better than she did. All she did was kiss him or hug him, and here he was, washing her hair.

Next weekend, she’d finally be able to show him how much she loved him. Her plans were currently under lock and key at Leia’s house, but they were a month’s worth of careful planning she knew Cassian would appreciate. Everything was going to be perfect.

* * *

_One Week Later_

_Kay_

_Kay, 3:30 pm_

We’re on our way

Are you sure you don’t want to bring over any of my books?

I’ll put them in a paper bag if you’re embarrassed by them

_3:32 pm_

no

I just need my stuff

_Kay, 3:34_

K be there in 15

And don’t worry so much about it

 

Cassian locked his phone and shoved it in his back pocket before checking his duffle bag one more time--clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, the normal necessities for a regular sleep over. He pulled out a pair of rolled up socks buried at the bottom of the bag and peeked inside; yep, the pair of condoms he got for free at the school where still inside. Actually, Kay was the one that got them for Cassian shortly after the Valentine’s Dance, and his friend gave three of them to him while working on Kay’s new gaming computer in his bedroom.

“You’re a life saver, Kay,” Cassian said, pocketing the condoms. “I guess now I’m prepared when it…y’know.”

Kay sat up straighter and tilted his blonde head at Cassian. “So am I to understand that you and Jyn _didn’t_ have sex in the pool room?”

“No! No we didn’t have--” Cassian threw his hands up in frustration. “I told you what happened.”

“So ‘underwater kiss’ isn’t a euphemism for sex?”

Heat burned up his whole face, and he looked back to make sure that the bedroom door was shut tight.

“No, it isn’t. We literally did exactly what I told you and Bodhi.”

Kay curled a finger on his chin. “I see.”

“What, you don’t believe me?”

“I believe you. Since then, you two haven’t slept together at all?”

“No.”

Silence fell heavily on their shoulders. Kay didn’t make a move, but Cassian felt the slight weight of his light gray eyes on him. If he told Bodhi this, he wouldn’t have prodded into his life, preferring to ramble to ease whatever tension grew in the room. Kay didn’t give a fuck about tension. He poked and pried until he got whatever Cassian was trying to hide out into the open. It irritated Cassian, but it forced him to open up when he normally never would.

“You two have only been dating for a few weeks, so it’s commendable that you’re taking your time,” Kay finally said before turning back to the computer.

“Thanks,” Cassian sighed.

“I have books on the subject if or when you two decide to try so you have some inkling of what you’re doing.”

“What, like the ones in sex ed? Or are you talking about porn?”

Kay shrugged. “They’re a step above sex ed but not as silly as porn. There are some websites I bookmarked that have videos too that are a lot more applicable, but the books are good too.”

“And your mom doesn’t care?”

“She’s actually the one that gave me all the books since there wasn’t anyone around to tell me about the birds and the bees, so I don’t think she cares about the websites. And it’s not like I go telling my mom what I learned.”

Cassian felt his stomach stretch and twist into a series of knots, one lump forming at a time as he pondered about it for a moment. Kay also had a habit of blurting out truths, like a few months ago when he mentioned to Kay that he thought Jyn was cute and Kay somehow found a way to bring it up at lunch with Bodhi, which prompted him to suggest that they all go to the pool since Bodhi didn’t know who she was and--

“Fine, but you can’t tell anyone about it,” Cassian said.

“Of course.”

Cassian grabbed him by the shoulder. “I’m serious, Kay. If my grandmother finds out about this, I’m dead.”

“I didn’t tell anyone about the condoms, and I won’t tell anyone about this,” Kay huffed.

“What did you tell the nurse?”

“I didn’t tell her anything except thanks. They’re in a basket in front of their desk, and you can take however many you want and they don’t ask you about it. I’m not going to tell anyone, Cassian.”

“Did you tell Bodhi that we slept together in the pool room?”

“Oh no, we all suspected it,” Kay laughed.

Cassian choked on his own spit. “‘All’? Who’s all?”

“Leia and Ami I know for sure. Jyn told them the same story you told us, but we all just guessed that you really meant you had sex. None of us said anything to anyone else, though,” Kay explained as if he was talking about a test question no one knew the right answer for.

Cassian pressed his palms against his eyes and swore. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything to anyone, but it was such a rare happy moment that he couldn’t keep it bottled up. Of course he shouldn’t have expected Jyn to bottle it up either, but he never anticipated people to assume--fuck. Now he got it, and in all honestly if Kay and Bodhi locked themselves in the pool room during the school dance he would have assumed the same thing. He’d text Bodhi and tell Jyn to tell the same for her friends too, then pray that no one else knew about the pool room.

“Sorry,” Kay mumbled. “We can still do research, if you want. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

Cassian clapped his hands together and tried to rub the numbness away.

“Sure, why not?”

They watched a video about how to put on a condom, skimmed a blog post full of information about things he felt he should have already known about, like using lubricant and sticking his dick in the right hole. There was so much to know and so many ways he could screw it up for both of them. What if he misaimed and put his penis in her urethra? What if he scratched her while trying to “open her up” by fingering her first? As they went further down the rabbit hole and discovered oral sex, the anxiety grew worse. Going down on her felt something that he could do, but he didn’t know if she wanted his tongue down there, and it felt risky to have teeth around his cock.

Even though he was overwhelmed with information, Cassian returned to Kay’s house several times over the next few weeks to do research. Gradually, the knots in his stomach unraveled and the shock of seeing penises not his own and vulvas being teased by fingers wore off. Bodhi eventually joined in their research sessions, though he acted as bashful about it as Cassian felt. Kay always watched the videos with a cold, clinical eye, cringing only when fluids were involved. Cassian cringed a little too, but he was feeling more confident that when the time came, he’d be prepared.

Cassian stowed the last two condoms away in his bag. He practiced with the third one a few days ago in his bedroom in the middle of the night, and it took a couple of tries but he managed to get it on all right. He zipped up the bag and took a few deep breaths to even out his nerves. It was going to be fine. He knew what he was doing. It was going to be fine. Better than fine. They had planned this for a long time, he studied a lot about it, and he knew what to do to make Jyn feel good and have her look at him like he was the only other person in the universe.

When Jyn had told him at the end of the school year that her father would be out of town, he surprised himself by proposing that they take advantage of the empty house.

Jyn grabbed him by the face and kissed him. “This is why I love you.”

He wasn’t sure if she was serious, so he waited until the next day when they and their friends went to the pier. He waited for the sun to set and the neon lights to flash on. He waited until his last dollar was spent on the ticket to get on the Ferris wheel in a cart with just the two of them.

“You okay?” she asked as he crushed her against him in the middle of the seat, as far away from the doors as possible. “You’re not afraid of heights, are you?”

“No,” he said, but squeezed her tighter when their cart rose in the air. “A little.”

He flinched again when the cart jerked to life and rose even higher, and all he could see over her shoulder was the golden haze filtering up into the black night sky. Jyn wrapped a leg over his knees and curled into him, which helped chase away the lingering thought of what would happen if the sticky steel floor suddenly fell out.

“I’m afraid too,” she murmured, “but I’m glad you came.”

He tore his eyes away from the view to look at her and barely felt the cart rise at its peak. The words gathered in his throat. The last four months with her still felt like he was living a dream where he felt comfortable talking to her for hours on end about anything and everything that came to mind, but it didn’t encompass everything he felt about her, didn’t explain why he always wanted as little space between them as possible. Jyn’s eyes widened as she clung to him tighter, and he cared more about comforting her than his own fears.

“I love you,” he said.

She kissed him until their carriage reached the pinnacle again, but he felt his soul fly even higher.

“I love you too,” she whispered, glowing up at him.

The phone buzzed from Kay again, ripping him away from his memory. They’d be there in five minutes. He grabbed his bag as he left his bedroom, only to plop it on the couch before he entered the kitchen steamy from the chicken boiling on the stove. Abuela wore an apron to protect her gray sweatpants and slightly oversized purple shirt from being splashed by the freshly blended salsa verde she poured into the soup pot.

“Smells good,” Cassian said as leaned against the counter.

“Sí, and I get it all to myself,” Abuela cooed as she scraped the last drops of chili in the pot. “I want to get this right, you’re staying at Kay’s tonight, and Bodhi’s tomorrow night, and you’ll all be here the night after that?”

“Yeah. That’s still okay?”

“It’s okay with me, as long as you call when you get there.”

She turned her back on him to scoop some hominy into the blender to purée. He cleared his throat and spoke the lie he’d been practicing for the last few days.  

“We’re going to be at the movies tonight so if you text and I don’t answer for awhile it’s because I have my phone off. We won’t be home until late, so--”

“Call. I don’t care how late it is.”

He reminded himself to breathe. She believed him, thank God. As long as he didn’t forget to call (and set several alarms so he wouldn’t forget), he was in the clear.

“Okay, Abuela.”

Cassian watched her as she turned back to stir the pozole, completely oblivious. Of course she believed him, she trusted him. He draped his arms around her and gently squeezed so that she knew he still loved her, even though he had to lie to her.

“What’s gotten into you, mijo? I’m trying to cook.”

“I know.”

She laughed and patted his arm. “How is Jyn doing? I haven’t heard from her in some time.”

“We’re still going out. I went to the beach with her and the others this week, remember?”

“I would have if you had told me.”

Cassian released her to look at his grandmother in the face, uncertain if she was teasing him or not. Her stern brown eyes and pinched lips showed a sense of hurt he wasn’t prepared for.

“I told you about the beach. I called you when we got there and when we left. I even promised not to go into the ocean by myself.”

She glared at him, but he knew he was right. He _did_ tell Abuela about the beach trip. He wasn’t so careless to forget, unless he planned on telling her and thought he already had--Abuela groaned and touched her forehead as if the memory returned to her, and the growing sense that he had gone crazy evaporated.

“Ah, I remember now,” she said, “It slipped my mind. Sorry, mijo. Anyway, why don’t you invite her over for dinner? I only met her that one time, you know.”

“Sure, I can--” Cassian’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “Ah, Kay just texted and they’re here.”

“All right, have a good time.”

Cassian kissed her cheek before leaving the kitchen to sweep up his bag, left the apartment, and rushed down the three flights of stairs to get to Kay’s black Toyota corolla. Bodhi waved at him from the passenger side as Cassian dove into the back seat. Kay looked at him from the rear-view mirror while Bodhi turned his head.

“Ready?” Kay asked.

Cassian nodded. “As I’ll ever be.”

* * *

 Several garlands of twinkle lights entwined the frame of her bed and the curlicues of her iron headboard, peppering light on the watercolor butterflies on her freshly washed white covers with pale pink ruffles dripping over the end. She vacuumed in the morning and brought out the carpet cleaner to rub out any stains, picked up everything and made sure it was hidden away in a drawer or her closet, and wiped down her desk, mirror, and dresser until they gleamed in the dim light. Tonight had to be perfect.

She opened the drawer with her mother’s picture in it and dusted it off before hiding it again. Her hands felt dry and crusty from all the dust, sweat greased her armpits, her hair was a mess, and he would be here in two hours. Tonight had to be perfect.

Once in the shower, she shaved every bit of hair on her limbs, but her razor hesitated over her thick clump of pubic hair. She kept the edges neat so it wouldn’t poke out of her bikini, but that took a lot of lotion and time keeping it trim until her skin stopped breaking out into itchy red bumps. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, she should have got it waxed. He was probably expecting her hairless. If she was careful, she could probably shave it herself without any nicks. What time was it? Fuck, he’ll be here in about an hour, and she still needed to dry her hair. Tonight _had_ to be perfect, but Cassian was going to have to deal with some hair.

She avoided looking in her eyes in the mirror as she dried and brushed her hair, but she had to face them as she put on her (minimal, because it’s not like she was going to be wearing it for very long anyway) make up. That was when her stomach churned, but she forced the queasiness down. She started to understand now why her friends and classmates just did it without a plan; it was terrifying to think that she could trust Cassian so much with her body that she’d let him touch her in places that only her fingers explored. She touched the breast that he had fondled a week ago--it had surprised her and hurt a little because he squeezed too hard, but she didn’t want him to stop. She let herself go when her phone chimed--he was going to be there in ten minutes.

 _Shit_.

She abandoned her phone and flew into her bedroom to throw on her white blouse and pull up a pair of jean shorts, fuck shoes and socks. In a breath she dashed down the staircase and ran down the hall. She skidded to a stop just in front of the door. Panting hard, she combed back her hair with her fingers, her heart thumping so hard that she felt its beat in the soles of her feet, and this was it, this was the moment she planned for.

The doorbell rang.

Just don’t think about it.

Just don’t think about it.

Just _don’t think_ about it.

Cassian stood on her doorstep, the gray strap of a dufflebag over his shoulder, and a small smile on his face.

 “Hey,” he said.

All that bundled nervous energy rewove itself into a bone deep hunger she couldn't satisfy by herself

Jyn grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him inside, closed the door with a swift kick that launched her onto him, and slammed him against the wall. He dropped his bag when she grappled the back of his scalp and pull his mouth to hers. Teeth clanged together as Cassian stumbled over her, smashing her against the opposite side of the hallway. He tried to apologize between gasps, but her starving lips stole his breath. His hips rocked into hers and she broke away to moan.

“We-we haven’t even--” he panted, ending with a laugh that she interrupted with a kiss that pushed him towards the stairs.

“I need you,” she demanded, grabbing him by the hand.

He nodded and hurried up the steps with her, but he thumped back down to grab his duffle bag and heft it back up the stairs. He kissed her when he returned, and Jyn lead him inside her softly lit room by the edge of his shirt. Cassian closed the door with his elbow.

Tonight was going to be perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liiiiiive!
> 
> Sorry it's been a minute since I updated this, but I was really stuck on this chapter plus I've been doing other irl projects. Any who, my solution was a shorter chapter 2 but now this story will have five chapters instead of four!
> 
> Also, this scene has some descriptions of teenaged virgins describing how they lost their virginity and how it goes about as well as they expected, and this is mainly one of the reasons this fic is rated M.

It was still light out when Kay and Bodhi picked up Cassian at the corner of Jyn’s block. His friends exchanged a long side glance when he threw his duffle bag in the backseat and jumped in afterward, but he chose to ignore it. It was almost six o’clock and he was absolutely starving.

“That was fast,” Kay said.

Bodhi sucked in his lips and stared at the gray, mildew stained roof, but Kay kept his eyes on the road as he pulled out. Cassian shrugged in his seat, his arms draped over his sore thighs and his eyes drifting shut. A random fact about how many calories sex burned floated in his mind, probably something he found in his research with Kay. Determined to recoup calories lost, he was about to pound down a cart of fries and a cow’s worth of hamburgers.

“We’re still going to McDonald’s, right?” Cassian mumbled.

“Yeah, and we’re almost there,” Bodhi squeaked. “What did you want?”

Cassian managed to sputter out his order before he dozed off.

* * *

Jyn and Leia pulled out the trundle bed from under Leia’s regular bed, then Leia dressed it in Jyn’s favorite sky-blue pin stripe guest sheets as Jyn stuffed a pillow in a matching pillowcase. It had been a long while since Jyn had slept over at Leia’s. She remembered her first sleep over here when they were both nine and Leia’s small room was papered with posters of fish and other sea creatures ripped out of _Natural Geographic Kids_. After a week of junior lifeguard practice, they would pour out the chipped shells, sand dollars, and warped stones on her graying white carpet and trade with each other. When her mother died, Jyn gave Leia her nautical treasures. Instead of getting rid of them like the posters and the lava lamp and glow-in-the-dark stars, Leia repurposed them in a shadowbox hanging next to her massive corkboard hanging over her repainted desk that used to be her vanity until she took the mirrors down.

“Need another pillow?” Leia asked, offering a feathery bronze pillow that accented nicely with the coffee-dark walls of the room. 

Jyn refused, preferring to squeeze the pillow she held hard against her stomach as she paced the warm wood flooring with bare feet.

“Thanks again for letting me stay,” Jyn mumbled.

“Don’t mention it. But did he hurt you, Jyn?”

Leia’s iron stare cut into her core, but Jyn shook her head. She knew what Leia was thinking, and if the roles were reversed she’d assume the same of Han.

“No, he didn’t hurt me. It’s just that…” Jyn flopped on the trundle bed and winced with regret. “It was a _disaster._ ”

* * *

“It didn’t go as expected,” Cassian said casually between bites of his second burger, still lounging in the back of Kay’s car.

“So it was a disaster, then,” Kay said after sipping his soda.

“No.”

“Your face says differently.”

Bodhi snorted out a laugh and tried to stopper his laughter by shoving fries in his mouth. Cassian breathed in slowly, hoping to will the heat flooding his ears and neck away but feeling his cheeks warm instead. Fuck, he was trapped. He couldn’t go back home because Abuela would be suspicious, and he knew the two of them would keep badgering him about what happened when they reached Kay’s house and if Kay’s mother overheard then she would tell Abuela. Cassian swallowed the dryness in his throat.

“It started off all right.”

It started off as more than all right--he was ready to burst the moment he entered the glow of Jyn’s bedroom, his fingers popping a few buttons off as he fumbled to unbutton her shirt. His hands searched for the complicated hooks of her beige bra, and when he found them he tried and failed to unsnap it until she reached back and helped him. The little lacy thing fell over their toes. Cassian panted as he took her in from head to bared breasts to her trembling fingers trying to unbutton the top of his jeans. Christ, they were really going to do this.

“So what happened?” Bodhi asked.

Cassian blinked out of his trance and glared at them both. “You both have to promise that not a word leaves this car.”

“Cassian, of course.”

“I’m serious. This is not going to go down like the pool during the Valentine’s dance. If I hear a _whisper_ of what happened--”

“You’ll kill us both and no one will find the bodies,” Kay sighed. “Just get on with what went wrong.”

Cassian shoved his burger back into its bag and wiped his face with his greasy fingers. Shit, he wished that the memory stopped there, with her fingers on the bronze pants button. But he unbuttoned it, and they both giggled as he shimmied to help her pull down his pants. Her thumbs hooked over the elastic waistband of his boxers and the edges of his red shirt draped over her knuckles.

 “She went down on me.”

 “And?”

* * *

“And I gagged on it,” Jyn said, her voice muffled as she yelled into her pillow. “I fucking gagged on it, and I barely put anything in. I thought I was going to throw up on him.”

“Did you?”

"No, thank god. But I think I freaked him out.” 

At the time his face had gone pale as he rubbed her back while she coughed on all fours until she finally caught her breath. Her tongue frantically ran over the roof of her mouth as it tried to make sense of what it had just tasted. In a soft, encouraging voice, he offered that it might be easier for him to go down on her instead, and rattled off about a fact about women taking longer to orgasm than men so it was probably better that he did oral instead of her.

 “I thought it was sweet, you know?” Jyn told Leia, who had been clamping down on her bottom lip. “I didn’t know if I’d like it but I wanted to give it a try.”

 “But?”

* * *

“I didn’t think she would say yes!”

Bodhi and Kay groaned simultaneously, but it was Bodhi who howled, “So why did you ask her?”

“I don’t know. She was upset and it just popped in my head as a way to make her feel better. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, so I just…I just put my tongue on her and hoped for the best.”

“What, did you lick her or did you poke your tongue in or what?” Kay said. 

Cassian shoved a handful of French fries in his mouth. “I don’t remember.”

* * *

“He was just going everywhere and then he was just poking his tongue in and out and he just…it just felt really weird so I told him to stop.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah, and you could tell he was just relieved to not be doing it anymore, so I don’t think he actually wanted to go down on me at all. I told him enough with the foreplay and let’s just do what we really wanted to do. So we made out for a bit.”

“Well, you guys know how to do that just fine.”

* * *

Cassian shrugged. 

“Oh c’mon, did you have a hair stuck in your teeth or something?” Bodhi said after chomping down his last chicken nugget.

“Well, I did, but I was able to pull it out without her noticing. I think. I don’t know anymore. She just rubbed her hands over me really fast and was yanking on my dick, and I think she just wanted to get it over with.”

His hand wandered over his crotch and laid it there, reassuring his junk that he wouldn’t let it be pulled on like it was being milked for every last drop again. At the time, though, just the touch of her bare hand on him had made him achingly hard.

“So did you stop, or did you go through with it?” Kay asked.

* * *

 

Jyn huffed, her hands comforting her sore thighs. 

“No one told me sex was so short. He was done in two minutes. No, less than two minutes. It was the bumpiest minute and a half I ever experienced.”

* * *

 

“How long?” Kay asked again when Cassian didn’t answer. 

“I don’t know, I wasn’t looking at my watch.”

“Did she…y’know?” Bodhi asked.

“Did she what?”

Kay smirked at Bodhi.  “If he doesn’t know then she didn’t have it.”

“Have wha…oh.”

There was no moans of pleasure, but short shots of breath as he pumped into her, his mind gone white with his impending orgasm that left him spent and collapsing on her. She groaned, but only to shove him off to the side when he pulled himself out of her.

“Oh shit,” he sighed, reached into his bag and found only greasy crumbs.

“Yeah, well. What happened after that?”

“She said she needed to take a shower.”

“How long was it?”

“Long enough for me to put my clothes back on and read an article about how millennials are killing the napkin industry.”

Kay and Bodhi cringed and groaned again.  

“Did she say anything when she got out?” Bodhi asked, his last word rising with a little hope.

* * *

“I told him that I forgot that I promised to sleep over at your house,” Jyn answered in a flat tone, her body rigid as she clutched her pillow against her stomach. 

“What did he say?”

“He said it was fine, that his friends would pick him up at the corner.”

It was stiff and quiet when she waited with him behind her front door, his eyes down on his phone. He shifted his duffle bag on his shoulder, now a lumpy mess after he shoved back the clothes he had torn out when he went searching for his condoms. He announced that his friends arrived and pecked her lips before letting himself out. Jyn stared at the wood door for a long moment, unable to breathe in the vacuum of space he left behind.

Leia put an arm around Jyn, and Jyn finally broke down into tears she had been holding in since Cassian left.

“I just wanted it to be special, you know? We planned this for months and I wanted it to be special and I don’t want to do this again and I don’t know if he wants to do this again and what happens to us after this? What if he doesn’t want a girl who gags on his dick? I don’t want him to break up with me over this.”

Leia hugged her tighter. “If he does, that’s his loss and he doesn’t deserve you.”

Jyn bit into her pillow, her scream trapped in her throat. She didn’t want to lose Cassian. She had never been with a guy this long, never told a guy that she loved him, never felt so in tune with another person before, but what if she had been wrong about him? About their relationship? Jyn curled into Leia’s side as she wept hot tears into her shoulder. She didn’t want to lose him, but oh god, she remembered how he looked down at her before he left, jaw set into his calm mask he used on teachers and people he didn’t know, but never to her, never to her--

* * *

Kay crumpled up his bag. “Well, there’s always next time.” 

“I don’t know if there’ll be a next time,” Cassian grumbled.

“What do you mean?” Bodhi asked.

“I don’t think she enjoyed herself with me. At all. I don’t think she’d want to try again with me.”

Cassian stared up at the stained roof of the car, his eyes drifting closed so he didn’t have to look at either of them anymore. He remembered the cold look in Jyn’s eyes when he kissed her good night and left her. He regretted it now, but he could tell she was uncomfortable with him being so near her after their night went so badly, and he’d only make things worse if he stayed. Jyn would understand that, wouldn’t she?

Kay said something, but Cassian couldn’t hear it over the engine roaring to life, and he tried to doze off as they hit the road again, but his stomach twisted painfully just before he could slip off into sleep.

He and Jyn would be okay. Tonight was terrible, but it wasn't anything worth breaking up over. They were fine.

They were going to be fine.

In the heat of his mind churning while he slept in a sleeping bag next to Kay's bed, he reassured himself that even if things weren't fine at the moment, he'd find a way to make it work. They had to work out. No one does anything perfectly the first time.

 

 

 

 

Jyn wasn't going to ever to sleep with him again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to literatiruinedme for betaing this chapter! Determined to get this fic done before school starts and the summer's over.

**Chapter 3**

_Jyn_

_Saturday July 21_ _st_ _, 5:32 pm_

be there in 10

 _Sunday July 22_ _nd_ _, 9:44 am_

Morning. Can we talk?

_2:35 pm_

hey can we talk

_5:36 pm_

we need to talk

is your battery dead

_[Call missed: 5:45 pm]_

_5:52 pm_

Wtf cassian pick up 

_Yesterday, 11:01 am_

Did you lose your phone?

Or are you fucking avoiding me

 

Cassian’s phone glowed in his pocket, but he pushed it further down his pocket because it was probably Jyn again. He couldn’t talk to her now, not while he was watching T.V. with Abuela. Besides, there was nothing to be said about that night. It came, it happened terribly, and he just wanted to get over it and get on with the rest of his life.

Someone knocked fast and hard against the door. Cassian exchanged a perplexed look with Abuela, but in a heartbeat he was on his feet and checking the peephole of the door and nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw a very angry Jyn in a green tank top and ripped shorts on the other side of it.

“It’s someone I know, I’ll be a sec Abuela,” he spat in Spanish before quickly opening the door and closing it behind him, hand still on the doorknob so Jyn couldn’t force herself in and Abuela couldn’t try to intervene.

“You haven’t texted me,” she said in a dangerously low tone.

Cassian didn’t dare blink away from her livid green glare. “I’ve been busy.”

“You still could have texted me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You used to answer every day.”

“I don’t answer Bodhi and Kay’s texts everyday--”

“I’m your _girlfriend_ , Cassian,” she said, her voice now booming in the hallway.

“I’m not with you 24/7!” he hissed back, hoping she’d take the hint to keep things down.

She did not. “That’s what the phone is for!”

Cassian winced and looked away from her so he could tamp down his own rising temper. This was _not_ the place to have this argument, and his mind scrambled to think of what to say to calm her down, to make this stop--

“So is that it, then? Are you going to stop talking to me?” she hissed.

“No,” he said, his tone flat and exhausted.

“That’s convincing,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes and planting her feet because she was stubborn, she wasn’t going to leave, she was going to hash out all of their private, terrible stuff out here for everyone to hear.

Quietly, he said, “You’re just upset that the night didn’t go as planned.”

She gaped at him in shock like he had knocked her to the ground, but then she doubled back with renewed rage.

“Me?! What about you? You were changed and ready to go when I came out of the--”

“You know people can hear you, right? My grandmother is right on the other side of this door and can probably hear every word you’ve been screaming.”

“Fuck off. If you wanted to do this in private, you should have _texted back_.” She looked him over in disgust and threw in before she stomped away, “Jackass.”

Cassian slammed the door, marched back to the couch, and plopped down next to Abuela to glare at the T.V. He crossed his arms as he settled into his corner of the couch, bracing for the needling that was sure to come now. It was just a fight, it wasn’t Abuela’s business, and even if it was not answering a damn text right after it was sent wasn’t the end of the world.

Abuela sighed, but she pulled out the phone out of the front pocket of her bright green apron and handed it to him. “I’m not cooking tonight. Order a pizza, delivery.”

 _You call it_ , he thought, but bit his tongue long enough to take the phone from her hand and speed dial their usual pizza place. After he ordered he didn’t speak until the pepperoni pizza came a half an hour later, mumbling thanks to the delivery man.  Once Cassian set up the pizza and paper plates and napkins on the coffee table, he sat down, ripped off half of his slice, and chewed.

And chewed and chewed and chewed, the thin crust as tasteless and tough as the grease-soaked cardboard the pizza was delivered in as it stuck to the roof of his mouth in a great gluey glob until his tongue pushed it to one side and then the other, unable to swallow with his throat seizing up and the stinging acid in his stomach roiling.

“Can you get me some water, mijo?”

He only nodded and went to the kitchen, spitting the food out in the trashcan before grabbing two water bottles out of the fridge. After giving a bottle to Abuela, he sat with his bottle between his thighs, parched from all that chewing, but worried that he wouldn’t be able to swallow it, and instead it would dribble in warm streams down his chin, and then Abuela would yell at him for making a mess.

His sight wandered to the altar in the corner of the living room and settled on the picture of his parents taken during a trip to the Grand Canyon. Not for the first time, he felt a searing heat run down his throat and settle in his stomach. Not for the first time, he wondered what he would’ve done if they were still alive, and it didn’t matter because he would probably still be in Mexico and he wouldn’t have any of these problems, but still…but still…

“Did my parents ever fight?” Cassian mumbled without meaning to.

“Oh, I’m sure they did,” she said, her mouth twisting as she fought back a wry smile. “You don’t live with someone that long without butting heads once in a while.”

Cassian nodded, his thumb scraping up mushy blue pulp off of his water bottle’s label. “What about you and Abuelo?”

Abuela cackled, and Cassian smiled as if he knew, but he never really knew his grandfather. Sebastián Andor died when Cassian was only two. He was an exquisite gardener who died from a sudden heart attack while he was pruning the azaleas in the botanical gardens he worked at for over thirty years.

“What did you two fight about?”

“Oh, typical things. Money. Kids. Politics. We got through it, once we both cooled our heads. What are you and Jyn fighting about?”

Cassian crushed the bottle in his hands so tightly that the cap bulged from the pressure.

“What were you able to hear?” he asked.

“Something about texting this, texting that.”

“I haven’t been answering her texts.”

“Ah, Cassian,” she moaned, but to his surprise she didn’t smack him on the knee or the shoulder or anything. “See, it’s not only me that wants you to call and check in.”

Regret. So much regret for opening this can of worms. “It’s fine. It’ll blow over.”

“Are you sure about that? Because it didn’t sound like it from where I’m sitting. Maybe calling isn’t all that important to you, but it is to her, and you should respect that if you care about her.”                   

Cassian squirmed in his seat, wanting to snap back at her that he did care about her and it wasn’t about texting, but about what Jyn wanted to text him about and he didn’t know where to start nor where it would end. But then he replayed their fight in his head, and there was a chilling sense of finality in her last words she threw at him.

“Go talk to her,” Abuela said, turning her attention back on the television.

“All right,” he said, pushing himself up so he could grab his wallet in his room before heading out.

“Where are you going?” Abuela asked, startled.

“To go talk to her.”

He closed the door a little too hard, but he’d take his scolding from Abuela later. He needed to find Jyn, needed to talk to her so she wouldn’t be mad at him anymore, that they were going to be okay, that his grandmother just couldn’t hear about his pathetic start to his sex life.

_Jyn_

_Yesterday, 11:01 am_

Did you lose your phone?

Or are you fucking avoiding me

_6:05 pm_

Jyn I’m sorry

are you home?

 

His messages were still left unread when the bus came and picked him up. He headed straight for the back seats, his fingers trembling as he tried to write out the dawning realizing that he really fucked up.

_Jyn_

_6:08 pm_

listen you’re right I was avoiding you

I wasn’t ready to talk about this and I should have told you that

_6:15 pm_

Jyn I’m really sorry, I’m a jackass I know

Please text back I want to talk to you

 

He stared at the phone screen until his stomach lurched with a wave of nausea and he pressed his face against the warm window. Hot, stale air fluttered through his hair and tickled the sweat dripping down the back of his neck. He closed his eyes, swallowed the salty bile down. He’d meet Jyn at home and she’d yell at him and he’d deserve it, but they’d work this out one way or another, as long as they were still together.

Within twenty minutes he got off at the bus stop nearest to Jyn’s house, and used the fifteen minutes walking there to try and plan out what he could say to explain himself. Texts couldn’t cut it, and it didn’t even matter because she still hadn’t read them. Suddenly he stopped as though he was going to be sick on a neighbor’s immaculate lawn: Jyn only said that she wanted to talk, but never what about. He assumed it was about that night, but maybe it wasn’t. Either way, he shouldn’t have shut her down because he feared the worst.

Lightheaded from this realization and praying that he wasn’t too late to fix this, he pushed on until he reached her house and pushed the doorbell with numb fingers. Silence, then approaching footsteps. Cassian straightened himself up and tamped down the fear growing in his gut.

Principal Erso, wearing a breezy linen shirt with faded green pineapples and a pair of tan slacks, opened the door.

“Hello, Mr. Andor,” he said.

“Hello, Mr. Erso,” Cassian said, his mouth unbearably dry. “Is Jyn home?”

“No, she isn’t. Should I relay a message?”

Mr. Erso had one of those faces where Cassian wasn’t quite sure if he was slightly bemused or highly suspicious. Considering that Cassian was (hopefully still) dating his daughter, he guessed that the older gentleman was probably feeling both.

“Thank you, but it’s something that I need to tell her myself.”

“Well, I’ll certainly tell her that you stopped by.”

“Thank you, Mr. Erso.”

“Or you can wait for her here.”

Cassian blinked, unsure that he just heard what he actually heard. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I’ll put the kettle on while we wait. Come in.”

Mr. Erso stepped back, opened the door wider for him, and walked back into the house. This had to be a trap. His relationship with Jyn was already on such thin ice that her father could break it with one swift stomp if he wanted to. Or maybe Mr. Erso wanted to needle him until Jyn came home, only to break up with him and kick him out of her house. Cassian barely knew the man, and couldn’t tell what was ticking behind that placid face of his.

Cassian checked his phone, and Jyn had read his messages, but she didn’t respond. He didn’t know her friends’ numbers, and he doubted that Kay or Bodhi would know where she was. Desperate, he entered the house and locked the door behind himself.

* * *

 

“YOU LOSE,” announced the thirty-year-old voice recording of the emcee for the fighting game of _Duplication Wars: Double Duped._ “PLAY AGAIN?”

“Fuck you,” Jyn shouted, shoving her seat back and flopping out, fresh out of quarters.

The mall arcade fell silent, even the group of loud-ass tweens playing against each other on a pair of Japanese racing games, but soon started chattering again as she made her way out. Her stomach rumbled, and she checked her phone to see the time, but Cassian’s fucking texts crowded the screen. She opened her phone and fuck, now they showed as read, fucking fantastic. In no mood to go home and her stomach rumbling from rage-induced hunger, she made her way to the food court that had never escaped the nineties: black and white tile, neon lights written in cursive above a pair of palm trees letting patrons know that yes, they were entering the food court, and the permanent fixture of Hot Dog on a Stick that was right next to the hallway that led to the bathroom.

Three corndogs and a refill of lemonade later, Jyn could feel the first prickle of frustrated tears since their fight. He just shut her down, got mad at her for trying to talk to him about something that bothered her, for trying to make this work. If he didn’t want to talk to salvage their relationship, then maybe it wasn’t worth saving in the first place.

“Hey, Jyn!”

Jyn looked up, and even through the film of tears she could see Cassian’s friend Bodhi’s smiling face. She blinked until her vision cleared, noticing the full bag of chubby gummy bears in one hand. He was always a little nervous, but really nice. It was too bad that he and Kay had broken up a month after the Valentine’s dance, but when Cassian and Jyn’s friends all hung out together at a party or the beach or the movies, Kay had been on the lookout for a new boyfriend for Bodhi.

“Hey,” she said and tried to smile. “How’ve you been doing?”

“I’ve got candy so it should be better soon. Want some?”

“Sure,” she said, grabbing a handful of the yellow and orange bears the moment he sat down next to her.

His smiled and popped a couple of sweets in his mouth. “So, how’ve things been between you and Cassian?”

“He hasn’t told you anything?” she snorted, and when he shook his head, she said, “Well, let _me_ tell you then--”

She went into every little detail of the before and after of their fight, Bodhi’s eyes growing as he listened to her like she wished Cassian had, and she topped it off by handing her his phone to show him the texts that she didn’t read until at that moment. For a moment, the anger petered off into grief, because it sounded like he was sorry and she wanted to believe it, but now she didn’t know and she hated that she didn’t know whether to take him at his word or not.

“You’ve known Cassian longer than I have, Bodhi, what should I--”

“Don’t ask me what to do, Jyn,” he said, so sternly that she jumped. “That’s something that you two need to work out.”

Jyn opened and then snapped her mouth shut, then read the texts again. She flirted with the idea of making him wait for days for an answer and get him to really understand what it felt like to be dangling on a hook, but it wouldn’t accomplish much else. She wanted him to talk, and now here he was, ready to talk while she was at a loss for words.

“That said, I do believe Cassian is sincere here. He’s pretty reserved, you know. He hasn’t even talked to Kay or me the last couple of days, so I think he means it when he says he wants to talk to you.”

Jyn let out a long, exhausted sigh. “That’s what I needed to hear. Thank you, Bodhi. And thanks for the candy.”

“Want a few more for the road?” he asked, his voice gentle.

She smiled and took a small handful. “Thanks. I’ll text him back too. I just…I just need to figure out what to say.”

“Good luck.”

She left the food court, her fingers worrying her pendant while she chewed on the clump of gummy bears in her mouth. On the drive back home she’ll figure something out, and when she was sure that Papa was asleep, she’d call Cassian. Even if she still didn’t know what to say, she’d call him. She had to try.

* * *

_Bodhi_

_7:26 pm_

So I just talked to Jyn

She’s going to call you but I don’t know when

Where are you?

_7:27 pm_

Jyn’s house

_7:28 pm_

Like on her steps with a boombox?

_7:29 pm_

Having tea with her dad

_7:30 pm_

WHAT

CASSIAN WHAT THE FUCK

 

Cassian shoved his phone back in his pocket when Mr. Erso came out with the tea tray that carried a whimsical Dutch blue teapot with two overturned cups, lemon wedges, honey, sugar, cream, and a small plate of caramel biscuits, and set it on the spotless surface of the glass coffee table. Cassian squirmed in his seat on the fawn-colored couch, folding and unfolding his hands in his lap as he tried to look at everything except his host: the creamy white walls, the pale rattan rug over the dark hardwood floor, the German wood clock on the wall surrounded by family pictures--and then Mr. Erso asked what he liked in his tea.

“Sugar, please,” he said.

“Here you are, Mr. Andor,” Mr. Erso said as he placed the sugar bowl next to Cassian’s filled cup before pouring a little cream and honey in his tea.

Cassian stirred in too much sugar, but he didn’t complain as he sipped quietly and waited for the inevitable.

“Did you watch the world cup this year?” Mr. Erso started, probably to soften him up, but that was all right with Cassian. He could talk for ages and ages about the many upsets that year, the bad calls, the hilarious fake tears. Mr. Erso had watched as well, and for a little while Cassian felt himself relaxed, even a little excited that he and the principal shared a common love for football.

The feeling didn’t last.

“Jyn hasn’t texted you by chance, has she?”

He pulled out his phone and found a bunch of texts from Bodhi screaming at him to be on his best behavior since Bodhi was in student government and didn’t want to have a bad impression by association because of him, but there was nothing from Jyn, except that she had read his texts.

“No. My friend Bodhi said she would call me but she hasn’t done that either. Has she…?”

“No, but I’ll contact her now to see if she’s with a friend. Did you let her know you’re here?”

He shook his head, though he considered letting her know he was here in case she would come home, but it could also mean her staying away from him. They fell quiet once again, phones in their hands to see who Jyn would text back first.

“Are you open to advice when it comes to my daughter?” Mr. Erso asked.

Cassian stiffened in his seat, his hands gripping his knees as he braced for impact. _I know you slept with my daughter. It was never going to work. Jyn is too good for someone like you. She deserves someone who can treat her the way she deserves to be treated._

“Yes, Mr. Erso.”

Mr. Erso set down his tea cup and folded his hands on his right thigh, looking at Cassian straight and clear in the eye.

“Be honest and be sincere with her, because she’s smart enough to pick up when you’re just trying to appease her so she stops being upset at you. Being honest about what your problems are instead of what you want them to be makes them much more manageable as well.”

Cassian gaped at him, his tense shoulders starting to ache as he waited for the admonishment that never came.

“Does that make sense to you, Mr. Andor?”

“I…yes, it does. Did Jyn tell you what happened?”

“She didn’t, and neither she nor you have to tell me what happened. I can only hope that by you coming here that you have good intentions to right the wrongs that happened in your relationship with her--”

“I do.”

“Glad to hear it. I know it’s easier said than done, to be so honest and willing to work on yourself and your relationship. I struggled with Lyra, too...and we met much later in life than you two, but it worked for us, and I hope it works for you.”

Cassian couldn’t stop staring, waiting for the other shoe to drop because there had to be something else, he was dating his only daughter and Mr. Erso was just easing back into his chair with his tea, looking completely unfazed by the situation. It finally clicked that even though they didn’t know each other very well, Mr. Erso trusted Cassian to respect Jyn enough to make matters right or to break it off cleanly if it wasn’t going to work out. Jyn didn’t bullshit with him, didn’t hide the fact that his cold shoulder upset her, and he wasn’t going to beat around the bush either. He loved her too much to give up on what they made together.

The lock on the front door clicked, the door squeaked open, and Jyn called out, “Sorry Papa, I got your text but--”

* * *

Jyn walked to the living room, not expecting Cassian but there he was, sitting on the couch in the same space as her father. His dark eyes go wide as he popped up, mouth slung open to speak but Papa spoke instead, “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me for anything, or if you want to help me clean up, Jyn.”

He gave her space and a choice: Jyn remained where she stood, eyes still on Cassian as Papa took the tea tray away and disappeared into the kitchen in the next room.

“I didn’t talk to your grandmother when I came over,” she grumbles.

Cassian worried his bottom lip for a moment, imagining what he’d feel if he walked in to his apartment and saw Abuela having tea with Jyn. He’d probably stand tall as a tree too, hands in tight fists at his sides to suppress the lashing feeling of betrayal.

“He invited me in, and I’m sure my grandmother would have invited you in as well. She thinks you’re a good influence on me.”

Jyn didn’t smile.

Throat growing hot and tight, Cassian forced himself to continue speaking,“I’m sorry, Jyn. I shouldn’t have shut you out.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. How did you expect to talk about it later if you weren’t talking to me at all? I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore because--” her voice cracked before she could finish, and she inhaled a shuddering breath.

Cassian stepped away from the couch, trying to enunciate every word so she could feel what he felt, but he stumbled with his words, “Never. When I said I loved you, I meant it, but I didn’t act like I did. I should have trusted you enough to tell you that I needed time to figure out things since that night, but I didn’t because I was afraid of what you’d think of me, and I’m sorry. I won’t hide from you when things are hard, if you’ll give me another chance.”

He was caught in her orbit now, and she looped around him as well, but with tears in her eyes. Her restrained frown, however, softened into a smile.

“Didn’t expect all this when I came in,” she said.

He copied her smile, leaned down and said, “Welcome home.”

It was hard to see her beaming face through the sudden gray fuzz in his eyes as his brain dipped down in his skull, flooded with the sensation of déjà vu, but then she threw her arms around him and his vision cleared again. He squeezed her tightly, hand cradling the back of her neck as he kissed the top of her head. He was so close to losing her. So, so close. He had to do better by her.

Jyn nuzzled the front of his white shirt, tears dotting the worn cloth. It felt like they had this sort of fight before, but that couldn’t be. It didn’t matter anymore--he was here, he had come back for her, he never wanted to leave her in the first place when she was ready to throw it all out.  She was so, so close to throwing the problem away. Next time, she’d try a little more, trust him a little more if he was willing to be more open to her.

“Come upstairs with me,” she whispered, delighting in the flush of heat against her forehead. “Papa takes forever doing the dishes.”

He gave her a brief kiss on the nose as his answer, making her giggle. She took both his hands and tugged him along down the hallway and up the stairs to her room that was mostly clean, save for the growing pile of barely worn clothes next to her closet door. She kicked off her sandals and hopped onto her bed, leaving Cassian to hold onto her bedframe as he wrestled his shoes off.

“I don’t care about shoes on the bed, Cassian. I need to wash my sheets soon anyway.”

“I care,” he said as he stuffed his socks in his shoes, then lined them up at the foot of her bed.

“You care too much,” Jyn snorted, her pale legs (despite her weekly trips to the beach) crossed on the side of her bed.

“I didn’t know that was a bad thing.”

He drew circles over her knees, then dragged his fingers up her thighs until they bumped against the border of her jean shorts. Her legs split open and folded over his, caging him. He grinned, his hands gliding over her hips and interlocking behind the small of her back.

“Never said it was,” she said, tracing his jawline lush with new stubble instead. She let her thumb run over his lips and fall into his dimple. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing beneath her fingertips. “Cassian.”

Her fingers gripped the back his scalp and she closed her eyes as he leaned in, but to her surprise, he left a delicate kiss on her eyelid. A grin flickered over her face as she felt his eyelashes tickle her as he kissed her temple. She lifted her head when she felt him going lower, but she clanked against his teeth and sent them both into a fit of giggles.

“I’m sorry,” she wheezed.

“You don’t sound very sorry,” he teased.

“Oh, but I am sorry. Come up here and I’ll show you.”

She untwisted his legs so he could clamber up next to her, but she grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him with the full force of the pent up desire he had stoked that knocked them both down into her frilly white pillow. She mounted his torso and clamped her hands around his head, her mouth persuading his to open so she could steal his breath. His hands crushed her ribcage into him, forcing her to pull away so he could gasp for air. She nuzzled his neck for a moment, licking at his salty stickiness before her hips rolled in and pushed her teeth into his throat.

“Jyn,” he groaned.

“Hmm?”

He pushed her shoulders and she released him, leaned back, and felt him growing hard in his jeans.

“Oops, sorry,” she said, rolling off of him.

“No you’re not,” he laughed, wincing as he slid off the bed to pace on her shaggy blue carpet. He closed his eyes so he didn’t make his boner worse.

“You can get a bag of peas from the freezer, but I think my dad will have a few questions for you.”

His eyes popped open and he groaned again, but this time from relief as he leaned against her small bookcase.

“And it’s gone, thanks.”

“Anytime,” she said, wearing a triumphant smirk on her face.

Cassian anchored himself on the bookcase and stretched his thighs to help with the discomfort. Small, cool hands looped over his burning chest, and he was about to tease her again until he felt her face burrowing into his back. He unhooked her left hand, kissed each knuckle, and pressed it over his heart that skipped three times too fast when her fingers sank into his shirt.


	4. Chapter 4

Things, thankfully, settled back to normal for Jyn and Cassian: lazy days spent lounging on the beach, hiding out in the library when it got too hot, playing video games at Kay or Amilyn’s house, and making out in the car whenever it was time to go home. Jyn’s car was newer but Cassian’s had a wider backseat and his windows had an old purple tint to them, and that little bit of extra privacy made them bolder. Not so bold that they wanted to try sex again, but bold enough to touch skin rarely explored. It was from this that Jyn learned Cassian as was ticklish around his butt and that touching her stomach would make her squeal, and all it took was a light touch and they would both break down into a fit of giggles.

If their summer ended with both of them laughing together in the backseat of Cassian’s car, then it would be a perfect summer. 

Two weekends before school started, however, Jyn received a text: 

_ Leia and Ami _

_ 1:13 am _

Hi Jyn Ami sorry for the late text but I need ppl to reply asap

My twin brother Luke and his folks are in town and

apparently we’re all going on a family trip to Lake Lah’mu next weekend.

We have a couple of cabins, one that the parents are staying in

and the other that Luke and I are staying at but they said I

could invite friends. Please say you’ll come I love my brother

but I also invited Han and it’d be awkward just having him there.

 

_ 1:18 am _

Jyn you can bring your boyfriend and his friends too

Luke needs more friends tbh 

 

_ 1:19 am _

Leia wtf

Despite the early morning grumbling, Jyn agreed to go because she loved Lake Lah’mu and hadn’t been there in a couple of years. She texted Cassian when she was sure he was awake, and he was so excited about it that he made a group chat with her and Bodhi and Kay before they even confirmed that they could come. The next few days were a frenzy of getting supplies and packing up to be ready to leave by four in the morning that coming Thursday.

* * *

Cassian had never been to Lake Lah’mu himself, but his parents had many times. When he gave up trying to sleep the night before he had to leave, he padfooted out into the living room and from the top shelf of the narrow bookcase pulled out the photo album dedicated to their camping trips at Lake Lah’mu. He sank on the couch, turned on the light, and opened the album over his knees to peruse over the faded pictures of the trout they caught, the deer they crossed paths with, and the sunsets they witnessed. He stopped at a picture of his mother splayed out over their collapsed tent, her dark hair a sticky cloud and her clothes stained with sweat, but her face glowed with an easy smile.

“You should be in bed, mijo,” Abuela gently chastised.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he replied, not looking up from the photo. 

Her weight sank against him and she tapped the photo with her fingernail. “I think she was pregnant with you then. See how her shirt popped up? She thought she was getting fat and didn’t figure out why for the longest time.”

Abuela chuckled softly, but Cassian couldn’t make a sound. He only remembered his mother’s voice from old videos and knew her face from pictures. Her love for him echoed in his dreams and in stories Abuela told him, and tonight her presence felt so solid and real that it felt like she was just about to walk through the front door. But as suddenly as he was sure she was coming back, he remembered that she was gone and wouldn’t return.

Grief ripped down his throat like a shard of broken glass. He blinked fast to beat the tears back, because he’s looked through these pictures so many times before and was fine. He was just tired, that’s all. It was one in the morning and he needed to be out of the house by four, but his mind wouldn’t let him sleep it just turned and turned--

Abuela’s hand felt cool against his cheek.

“Cassian,” she said, her voice soft enough to break him. 

She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly as he cried, his body trembling as he tried and failed to rein in his tears. He hated that Abuela had to watch him fall apart like this, but at the same time he couldn’t tear himself away from her arms. He cried until he didn’t anymore, until the tension in his body finally relaxed, and he was limp in her grasp.

“They’re watching over you always, Cassian,” she said, her voice vibrating in his skull. “Always, always, always, even when it doesn’t feel like it. They’ll be with you at Lah’mu, with your friends. Do you understand?”

He only nodded because he couldn’t trust himself to speak. He knew Abuela was trying to make him feel better, but he didn’t want them watching over him. He wanted them  _ with _ him, alive and teaching him how to fish trout--he took a deep breath and held it until the second wave of grief passed him overhead. Carefully, he pried himself out of his grandmother’s arms and closed the album.

“I’m going to bed,” he whispered and rubbed his swollen, heavy eyelids with his knuckle. “Thank you, Abuela.”

She took the album out of his lap and kissed his cheek. “Of course, mijo. Get some sleep and I’ll wake you up in time. Good night.”

“Good night,” he mumbled.

He staggered down the dark hallway and into his bedroom, where he collapsed on his bed and blacked out.

It felt like he had only been asleep for a minute when Abuela shook him awake, his table lamp blinding him. Despite his head feeling like it was stuffed with soaked cotton, he forced himself to sit up, shoo his grandmother out, and change. Time was a blur as he stumbled out and Abuela shoved a to-go cup of coffee in his hands and there was a polite knock on the door and Kay came, accepting coffee from Abuela with one hand while grabbing Cassian’s duffle bag with the other.

“Call me when you get there, Cassian,” Abuela warned him as she hugged him tightly.

He was out of his apartment and keeping pace with Kay, his head beginning to clear as they walked their way down. Kay was talking to him but Cassian drank coffee instead of answering, his cup empty by the time they reached a teal and white VW bus that looked like it had escaped the seventies. Han greeted them as Cassian and Kay settled in the middle two-person seat. The engine roared to life and they bounced up the hill.

“Okay, so we’re going to go to your friend Bodhi’s next and then we’re going to rendez-vous at Leia’s house to pick up--”

Warm from the coffee, Cassian’s head drooped forward and he fell back asleep.

***

“Leia said to pull over at the rest stop,” a light, unfamiliar voice said.

“10-4,” Han answered.

Cassian inhaled sharply, like he forgot how to breathe when he was asleep. Gingerly he pried his eyes open, but the light burned him, so he turned his face into Kay’s shoulder and screwed them shut again. He yawned so wide that his ribs cracked, waking him up even more. Finally he moved his head off of Kay’s shoulder and rubbed his eyes to coax them to open.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Han said, making the whole car laugh.

Cassian laughed with them as he stretched his arms behind his head, trying to assess the situation. He didn’t know who the man with the wildly overgrown brown hair and beard, wearing a tropical shirt, and sitting in the front passenger seat was, and when he twisted behind him, he saw Bodhi sitting next to a blonde man with baby blue eyes.

“Which one of you is Luke?” Cassian asked.

The blond raised his hand. “Me. Nice to meet you, Cassian.”

“This is Chewie, by the way,” Han said, bringing Cassian’s attention back to the front. “Not sure if you’ve met him before.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Graduated from Kanata High two years ago,” Chewie bellowed.

Now that he was awake, he was painfully aware of the fact that he didn’t go to the bathroom before he left. He squirmed in his seat, because he knew that they were going to stop soon, however--

“How long until the rest stop?” Kay asked for him.

“Just another minute,” Han said before swerving into the right lane.

Cassian focused on the golden dice hanging on his rear-view mirror to keep his mind off of his near-bursting bladder. True to his word, they pulled off into a rest stop at the foot of a cliffside in under a minute. The moment the car stopped the boys flooded out and raced to the bathroom, the only building at the stop. Once he relieved himself, Cassian meandered over to the picnic tables that were shaded by trees. He spotted Jyn balancing on the thick root of one of the trees, wearing a thin white shirt and faded blue shorts. Sweat glistened on the back of her neck, despite her hair tied up in a high ponytail.

“Hey,” he said when he caught up to her.

“Hey, I missed you this morning,” she said.

He reached his hand out to help her off the root, but she just took his hand and pulled him closer. Even with the extra height, she was just about eye level with him. 

“Sorry about that. Couldn’t sleep last night.”

“That sucks, but we’re halfway to the cabin now.”

“Good,” he sighed, his eyelids drooping. 

Despite his extended nap in the car, he still felt exhausted. Maybe it was the heat thick enough to chew on, but most likely it was the fact that he couldn’t get the picture of his mother out of his head. Jyn brushed his bangs back and ran a finger along his jaw, but he couldn’t find the energy to smile.

“You okay?” she whispered, her face pinched with concern.

He shook his head. “My parents used to come here a lot before I was born.”

Jyn’s mouth popped open, but nothing came out. She closed it again as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and he wrapped himself around her waist, burying his face into her neck to block out the sun. They held each other in mournful silence.

“Cassian! Jyn! We’re getting ready to go,” Bodhi called out to them.

Jyn didn’t let go. She cradled him until he felt the heavy knot he didn’t know he had been carrying in his heart unravel. He felt like he was on the ferris wheel with her again, holding her tight as his mind imagined how far they would fall if the bottom fell out.

“I love you,” he murmured into her skin.

“I love you too,” she whispered into his.

They would have stayed forever at that tree if Leia hadn’t yelled, “Hurry up or we’re leaving you two behind.”

Cassian sighed and pulled away from her first, or else they would never leave. Her hands still looped around his neck, her dark hair curling over her flushed cheeks and watery eyes. He leaned back in and kissed her.

“Thank you,” he said when he pulled back again.

She rested her forehead on his. “I don’t know what to s--”

They both jumped when three sets of car horns went off.

“Get your ass in the van!” Han yelled, half hanging out of the driver window.

“All right! We’re-- _ Cassian! _ ” Jyn shrieked when he swept her off her feet and ran. 

Jyn clung to his neck so tightly that it was hard to breathe, but the shot of adrenaline kept his feet moving. He was tired of grieving and tired of wanting something he couldn’t have. What he did have was Jyn, and he loved her too much to drag her down with his grief. Once she caught her breath, Jyn pressed her face into his shoulder and shivered with laughter. Amilyn opened the back seat for him when they reached Leia’s silver car, laughing while Leia huffed and rolled her eyes. Cassian lowered Jyn in her seat, her face as red hot as his felt.

“Are you two going to be like that during this whole trip?” Kay asked when Cassian finally hopped in Han’s van.

“No,” he said, though he couldn’t stop grinning.

* * *

 

The car ride was another three hours of going up and around the mountains before they finally reached the lake. They drove past the parked RVs and campgrounds to a private road that led to a lakeside cabin the size of a townhouse, complete with a shed big enough for a boat and a dock to launch it from. At last the car stopped in the wide driveway and everyone piled out into the sticky afternoon. Luke's Uncle Owen took off his baseball cap and scratched at his salt and pepper hair before joining Mr. Organa to help unload the van. Mrs. Organa and Luke's Aunt Beru already had suitcases in one hand while fanning each other with straw hats in the other.

Amilyn combed back her dusty lavender hair and kicked off her sandals.

“It’s gorgeous,” Amilyn said.

“It’s hot,” Leia huffed as she opened up her trunk.

"I agree," Kay said as he stretched his too-long arms.

“Holy  _ shit _ , Luke!” Bodhi shouted the moment he hopped out of Han’s VW. “This place is amazing!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty nice,” Luke chuckled as he followed him. “When I came last year I didn’t want to leave!” 

Months before, Leia had told Jyn that she and Luke had been adopted out as infants when their mother died in childbirth and she refused to name the father. Luke was sent to Iowa while Leia was sent to California, and the two didn’t connect until a couple of years ago when Leia made it a semester project to dig into her family tree and discovered a brother she never knew she had. Jyn didn’t know if anyone else knew, but she was sure that it wasn’t her place to share. She didn’t even tell Cassian. 

Speaking of which, he was looking damn good hauling out his duffle bag and four gallons of water. She was about to join him when Leia dumped her backpack and sleeping bag in her arms.

“Put stuff away first, then make out with your boyfriend,” Leia scolded. “We have to open all the windows to air out the house too.”

Leia led Jyn and Amilyn to one of the smaller bedrooms in the cabin for them to share. It was stuffy until Jyn pulled open the solid wood shutters and let the fresh, sharp scent of mountain air inside. She leaned on the window sill and listened to the insects hiss and the birds sings. She had been cooped up in Leia’s car for far too long, talking with Ami and Leia about summer vacation and TV shows and books to be read and school drama in general until she decided to nap in between texting Cassian.

“We should go swimming once everything’s set up,” Leia suggested.

“That would be great. It’s so nice that you’re right on the waterfront.”

“Yeah it is. What about you, Jyn?”

Jyn whipped her head back. “What?”

Leia’s stared at her for a moment. “Do you want to go swimming today?”

“Oh! Yeah, that’d be great. I’m boiling.”

The conversation dropped and Jyn couldn’t shake off the feeling that the tiny room was smothering her. She needed a couple minutes by herself to clear her head.

“Where’s your bathroom?” she asked.

“Downstairs, to the right of the kitchen,” Leia said as she unfurled her sleepshirt.

Jyn dashed downstairs, found the bathroom, and locked herself inside without bothering to turn the lights on. She sat on the toilet with her head in her hands, wishing she had brought her mother’s pendant with her to focus on as she shuddered off her pent-up anxiety. After a couple of minutes, she went back up the stairs again and stopped at the top when heard Leia half-whisper her frustrations.

“--shouldn’t have invited her if all she’s going to do is make out with her boyfriend.”

Jyn felt the air rush out of her like she had been socked in the stomach.

“Ever since they made up it’s been all Cassian, all the time. I know what you’re thinking, Ami, but it if I didn’t invite him then she wouldn’t have come.”

Amilyn said, “I don’t think--”

Jyn didn’t hear the rest as she stomped down the stairs and stormed out the front door. Her first instinct was to go to Cassian and cry, but she set her sights on the cool sapphire blue of the lake instead. Her heart pounded in her ears and the sun seared the part in her hair. The creaking wood of the old dock was warm under her sandals as she walked right to the edge. 

She sat down and yanked her sandals off. For a moment she let her feet dangle over the dark water, then fell in.

Holding herself tight and rigid, she let herself sink in the silent darkness. The intense chill cut through her hurt feelings, vivisecting them so she could examine them more closely.

Had she been spending a lot more time with Cassian since they made up? Yes. But she never flaked on Leia or change plans for her when Cassian wanted to do something, she just missed some days hanging out with her because she promised Cassian to hang out with him first. If Leia wanted to spend more time with her, then she should have fucking said so and not expected her to be a mind reader.

Jyn opened her eyes and sprang open her limbs to stop sinking. She swam up, her jean shorts and cotton shirt chafing her skin with every stroke. She sank a lot further down than she meant too, and her lungs were beginning to burn.

Maybe she should have noticed that she was spending more time with Cassian over the summer than Leia. Maybe she should have put Cassian on hold to make time for Leia. Maybe...maybe she should have taken a deeper breath before she jumped in. Her whole body strained for the faraway sunlight, but the weight of her water-logged clothing slowed her down. Each stroke that didn’t break the surface sent a warning shock down her spine. 

Someone jumped in the water and smashed the sunlight into pieces, but then he grabbed her hand and pulled her up hard. She took a breath a moment before she broke the surface, inhaling water that she coughed out with a fresh gulp of air.

“C-Cass--” she wheezed, grappling Cassian’s shoulders. “I-I’m fine.”

They submerged for a moment and bobbed right up again.

“Jyn,” he sputtered, breathing hard as he tread water.

Jyn squeezed her eyes shut until the brief, glittering dizziness passes, and then she let go of him so it would be easier for him to stay afloat.

“Relax, Cassian,” she said, her limbs aching but still keeping her afloat.

“Hey!” Mr. Organa called out as he ran down the dock. “Everyone okay?”

“Yes!” Jyn called out before Cassian could say anything. “We’re fine, it just go too hot.”

Mr. Organa crossed his arms over his faded blue shirt. “Couldn’t wait to put on swimsuits?”

“Yeah,” Cassian said, his breathing evening out. “We’ll be out in a minute.”

Mr. Organa shook his head. “You can’t be jumping in here without telling anyone, okay?”

“Sorry,” they chimed together. 

“Use the ladder on the side, it’ll be easier to get out.”

As Mr. Organa walked away, Jyn and Cassian swam to the dock ladder to rest. Cassian wrapped an arm around one of the rungs and leaned his head on another. Jyn curled her hand around one of the rungs next to his. His blue t-shirt ballooned when it was submerged, but she was sure that it felt heavier to wear than it looked. Her wet shirt felt like she was wearing a vest of sticky concrete.

“Jyn, are you sure you’re okay?” Cassian asked, his voice cracking at the end.

She couldn’t look at him as she replayed the scenario in her head and guessed that it would have been close, but she could have been okay without his help. She was close enough to the dock to hang onto it until she caught her breath. But what if she  _ wasn’t _ okay? What if he jumped in a few seconds later while she was in a panic, and she dragged him down with her?

“You were down there for a long time and I didn’t...I didn’t know--” he rambled until Jyn cut him off.

“If you thought I was drowning, you should have gotten help. Did you even call for anyone?”

Now it was her turn to glare at him and for him to look away. “No.”

“Then who would have saved you if I pulled you down with me? If I had hurt you? We could have both drowned--if I was in trouble.”

She shivered as she tried and failed to hold back her tears. She turned away from him to wipe her face, and saw her friends all gathered by the beach. She couldn’t see Leia’s face, but she had a pretty good guess as to what it looked like.

“You’re right, and I’m sorry,” Cassian said, bring her attention back to him.  His voice shook, yet his eyes were fierce. “But you shouldn’t have jumped in without telling anyone, in case you needed help. I was the only one out here because I forgot something in the car, and I saw you jump and I didn’t know what to think.”

She nodded. “That was stupid of me. I’m sorry, too.”

He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, then slapped it back in the water.  She shivered and his teeth were starting to chatter, but neither made a move to get out, because that would mean having the face the crowd at the beach. Jyn sighed, feeling the fear and the anger seep out with her breath.

“Are you ok-kay, J-Jyn?” Cassian asked.

She leaned in and kissed him because, despite her scoldings and her fears, she was touched that he cared enough about her to jump in and save her. 

“Yes, now let’s get out before we freeze.”

His face was pink as he nodded, helping her up the ladder first.  When they were both out and walking back to the house, Kay was the first to meet them on the dock. “That was really stupid, Cassian.”

_He must be in love then_ , Jyn heard the ghost of her mother's voice in her mind, something she had said to her father so long ago that she couldn't remember who they were talking about, only that Papa had complained about how stupid someone was acting for another. Her response had caught him off guard, but then they smiled at each other and their eyes were bright.   


Jyn leaned her cheek against Cassian's damp sleeve as they walked back to the beach, and he squeezed her hand as if he felt Lyra's words too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.....it's been a minute.
> 
> I've written a lot of this story and basically had to break a massive chapter in smaller chapters, so there will be updates a lot sooner than the last one lol. Thank you so much for you patience!

**Author's Note:**

> Major thanks to my friend plebeianfandork for being not only this chapter's beta but my beta for a lot of my fics lol. She makes feedback fun!
> 
> Thank you all again for reading and for your encouragement and kudos and comments. I hope you enjoy this one as well, though it is not as fluffy as the last one.


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